FAMILY DYNAMICS / GOVERNANCE

Talking Business with Tom Garrity: When the Past Shows Up and What Strong Families Do About It

Tom Garrity

April 21, 2026

In my last two columns, we tackled a tough reality: most family businesses don’t fail because of bad strategy – they stall because of people. Specifically, how families communicate, avoid conflict and (often) delay preparing the next generation.

We also explored the idea that “deep roots aren’t enough.” A founder’s grit and sacrifice can build something remarkable—but that alone doesn’t prepare the next generation to sustain it.

Now we go one level deeper.  Because sometimes the real issue isn’t what’s happening in your business today. It’s what’s been happening in your family for generations. It’s almost like an invisible force in the room.

Mark Wolynn, in It Didn’t Start with You, argues that patterns – around fear, trauma, conflict, loyalty and identity – get passed down.  Behaviorally.  Sometimes even genetically.

In family businesses, those patterns show up everywhere:

• Avoiding tough conversations because “that’s just how we’ve always done it”
• Sibling tension that feels disproportionate to the issue at hand
• A next-generation leader hesitating—not from lack of capability, but from something harder to name

These aren’t random quirks.  They’re often inherited patterns – unspoken rules about power, loyalty, risk, and identity.  Here’s the kicker – if you don’t recognize them, you’ll repeat them.

Why this derails good family businesses

Family systems don’t just influence relationships and the family – they often shape decisions in the family business.  Consider a few common scenarios:

• Conflict avoidance becomes strategic paralysis.
• Loyalty overrides merit.
• Old wounds drive current decisions.
• Identity gets tangled with ownership.

And underneath much of it is something simple: someone feels disrespected.  That’s the spark behind most family conflict – not spreadsheets, not strategy. Respect.

This isn’t about perfect families

Let’s clear something up: there is no such thing as a perfect family.  If that’s your goal, you’re already behind. Strong families aren’t perfect. They are committed.

• Committed to being united.
• Committed to recognizing they are stronger together than apart.
• Committed to doing the hard work when it would be easier to avoid it.

You can be both an individual and a member of the family. But that requires maturity – knowing when to push your own agenda and when to put it aside for the greater good.

Because building a strong family is a lot like raising kids: it requires sacrificing your selfish inclinations in favor of something bigger.  Not always fun. Always necessary.

Breaking the pattern

Here’s the good news: while these patterns are powerful, they’re not permanent.  They didn’t start with you, but they could end with you.  If you want to change outcomes, you have to change how the family operates.

A few practical shifts make a big difference:

1.  Name the pattern
You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.  Start by asking, “What behaviors keep repeating in our family – and where might they have come from?”  This isn’t about blame, it’s about awareness.  Learn to understand your triggers and values, and break the negative generational cycles in order to communicate constructively.

 2.  Move out of blame
Blame feels productive. It’s not. It keeps everyone stuck. The moment a family moves from “Who caused this?” to “How do we solve this?” – everything changes. That’s where creativity shows up. That’s where progress happens.

3.  Don’t rob the next generation of failure
This one’s tough – especially for founders.  But protecting your kids from failure doesn’t prepare them. It weakens them. Resilience is built the old-fashioned way: through setbacks, mistakes and figuring it out. Your job isn’t to eliminate failure. It’s to make sure it’s survivable – and meaningful.

4.  Be intentional about the story you tell yourself
Joseph Nguyen, author of Don’t Believe Everything You Think, makes a simple and powerful point: just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s always the truth. In family conflict, people react not just to what happened—but to the story they’ve attached to it.

“He disrespected me.”
“She doesn’t trust me.”
“They’re trying to push me out.”

Sometimes those stories are true. Often, they’re interpretations.  Strong families learn to pause and ask: What actually happened – and what story am I adding to it? Then they manage their response accordingly. Not every current decision deserves to carry the emotional weight of prior generations. A useful question is: Is this reaction proportional to the situation – or are we dragging history into the room? If the argument feels bigger than the issue, it probably is.

5.  Focus on the present (because it’s the only place anything happens)
Dear Abby got it right: regret and worry are the twin thieves of the present. Regret keeps you stuck in the past. Worry pulls you into a future that hasn’t happened. Neither helps you run a business or a family. Decisions, conversations, leadership -all of it happens in the present. Miss that, and you miss everything.

6.  Build stronger individuals to build a stronger family
Healthy families don’t happen by accident. They are built – person by person. One useful model is the “three-legged stool”:

• Mind – understanding how you think, your biases, your reactions
• Body – energy, discipline, resilience
• Spirit – purpose, values, connection to something bigger

If one leg is weak, the stool wobbles and just might fall down. Too many families invest heavily in the business – and leave personal development to chance. That’s a risky bet.

7.  Create new rules (on purpose)
Healthy families don’t eliminate emotion – they create structures that keep it from running the show. This is where governance matters:

• Clear roles and responsibilities
• Defined decision-making processes
• Forums for structured communication (family councils, family constitutions, boards)

In my last column, I talked about moving from informal to intentional governance. This is where it earns its keep.

8.  Bring in an outside perspective
Let’s be honest – no family sees itself clearly. An experienced advisor, facilitator or board member can help identify patterns that feel “normal” to you but are anything but. Think of it less as therapy and more as performance optimization.

9.  Building character
There’s a lesson here that has nothing to do with boardrooms and everything to do with backyards. When my kids were young, we did projects together – raking leaves, cleaning up, getting things done. Not because it was efficient (it wasn’t – it took three times as long, with a fair amount of negotiating, frustration, and the occasional meltdown), but because it mattered. They learned how to work, how to work together, and that some things simply need to get done – whether you feel like it or not. No one was coming to rescue us.

As my daughter liked to remind me, quoting the movie Holes, we were “building character.” The same principle applies in family businesses: if you shield the next generation from the hard, messy, sometimes frustrating work, you don’t prepare them – you deprive them. And that bill eventually comes due.

10. Develop the next generation differently
If patterns are passed down, they can also be interrupted.   Next-generation leaders need more than operational experience. They need:

• Self-awareness
• Coaching
• Exposure to different leadership models
• Permission to lead differently than the generation before them

Otherwise, they don’t just inherit the business – they inherit the baggage.

The BIGGER picture

Family isn’t just a structure for ownership. It’s the foundation of our society. It’s where we shape how people think, lead, handle conflict and make decisions.  Get that right, and you build a healthy current generation – and a capable next one.  Get it wrong, and no amount of strategic planning will save you.

If you don’t like what you see in the world, look inward first.  As a family business guy, my focus on healthy families is because healthy families are key to successful generational family businesses.  But as a dad and husband, and a member of my community, I know it all starts with family, and it is part of my responsibility to the world to build and lead the healthiest one I can.  It’s everyone’s responsibility. That is how we build a better world.

A final thought

Succession planning isn’t just about transferring ownership. It’s about evolving the family. The strongest families understand this: unity is a choice. Respect is a discipline. Growth requires discomfort.

And the work is never finished. But neither is the opportunity.